A note from Edie

We're off on holiday shortly with some members of my family, including my nieces and nephew, who are a bit older than my kids. I decided Edie (my 18 month old), should explain a bit about herself, so they know what to expect! (Really I just thought it would make them laugh - they're brilliant with her and she loves them to bits)

"Hi! Edie here, since we're going to be roomies for the next couple of weeks, I thought I ought to tell you a bit about me!

1. I'm loud – sorry about that! If I'm yelling, it's usually because I want something (see points 2, 3, 4, 5) but can't communicate with you effectively. Just ignore me or get my mum or dad if you don't know what to do with me – Mummy says I am a 'rampaging Id', whatever the heck that means
2. If you're eating, I'll want it, so be prepared to share or be screamed at if I see you eating (Mummy tends to hide from me if she wants a snack!)
3. If you have a ball, I want it. That other ball? No good, I want the one you're playing with. Again, tell my mum or dad if I'm being annoying.
4. You know that toy that I touched earlier? If you pick it up, I'll probably want it back. It's OK by my parents if you don't give it to me, because I can't always get what I want, but think about it carefully, because not giving it back to me will lead to point 1.
5. If you value your possessions, don't leave them where I can reach them, because I won't be gentle with them. I love to play with DS's, game discs, phones, books, all sorts of stuff I'm not supposed to have, and I play rough. I also chew things. Mummy and Daddy will take anything off me I'm not allowed to have, but that usually leads me back to point 1
6. I can reach higher than you think
7. Twirywoos almost always works as a distraction. We have 2 DVDs with us, I hope someone has a DVD player, or mummy says we're screwed.
8. If I hit you or bite you or hurt you in any way, even if it doesn't really hurt, feel free to say 'no, Edie that's naughty' in your sternest voice. I'll probably just ignore you, but it's worth a try, Mummy is really trying to stop me from being a bully. If I do cry, don't feel bad – you're helping to make me a decent human being, so it's all good.
9. I'm faster than you think
10. I like to 'help' with the dishwasher. Mummy will ask you to keep it properly closed, so I can't get stuff out by myself, but she's no fun really!
11. 'Nummy' means dummy – you will probably hear this word a lot. Mummy is meant to be weaning me off my dummy, but she says that can wait until after holiday, otherwise all our ears will be bleeding by the end of week 1 (see point 1).
12. I hope you like backwash, because I love sharing drinks :-D I am allowed to drink most things, just nothing fizzy (or alcoholic!)
13. I get cranky mostly when I'm either tired or hungry (if I'm both then it's even worse). However, I like to resist naps as I think they're really boring. Mummy will try and make me nap so I'm happy and fun right through until bed time, but that might mean you listening to me whinge and Mummy swearing under her breath for a little while, until I finally give in and go to sleep. We'll try not to disturb you too much!
14. I now like to tell people when I'm having a poo. Please alert one of my parents should this situation arise.

I know we're going to have the best holiday! If all else fails, just give me a biscuit ;-)"

Sorry, but you're not having this one...

It's that time of year when many parents are getting all emotional and blathering on about how precious their little babies are and the fact that they 'don't know where the time has gone' and 'can't believe little Jimmy is starting school already'. I have always been rather scathing about the whole Facebook outpouring; I mean, it's not like they are the first person ever to send their kid off into the big wide world of primary school, is it? It's not as if their 4 year old is going off to war or down the mines or anything, they're just taking the next step in life, and it's all for the good because they're going to learn and make friends and have fun (we hope).

Funnily enough, my opinion of it all didn't really change when my eldest went to school. By the time she started (at only just 4 years old), I had a 2 year old and another baby on the way. I was juggling work and household tasks and looking forward to a new baby, and I was more than ready for her to go to school. So my disdain for the parents publicly crying at those first school drop-offs, or at the last day of playschool, was not quelled much by the fact that I was also going through it. (Note to parents, it's OK if your heart doesn't break when your little one goes off to school, there's nothing wrong with you!). To be perfectly honest, I'm not a crier. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally cry, but usually it's at home, alone, where no one can see me. If anyone is present it's usual the hubby, and it's usually because I'm trying to emotionally blackmail him or something! So it's not surprising that I wasn't an emotional wreck when the big one went to school.

HOWEVER my middle one is starting school in September. She's just turned 4 in the last couple of weeks, she had her inductions at her school this week, it's her last day at play school tomorrow, and I'm an emotional wreck. I'm still not publicly crying or anything, it's not that bad, but I feel all wobbly on the inside and I'm so not ready for her to go to school. Her? Oh, she's fine. She has LOVED her inductions and has been all excitement and smiles. She evens tells me that she'll still see her playschool teachers when she goes back to pick Edie up and things like that. And she's is SO ready for school. She's young, yes, but (if possible for a 4 year old that says 'willies' all the time) she is mature for her age. She is so desperate to learn, and with 2 other children, I don't have much time to teach her. She will thrive, I am sure, and she has already got some friends. So it's not her that's the issue, it's me.

But why? I've been here before, I still have a younger child at home, so why am I so desperate to cuddle her close to me and say 'sorry education system, you're not having this one yet'? Maybe it's because I'm worried she's going to turn into a child like her big sister? I don't mean to speak badly of my eldest, but I know that school tires her out and uses all of her 'good behaviour' for the day, so when she gets home from school she is tired and shouty and grumpy. I'm not sure I'm ready for another child like that in the afternoons. Maybe it's because I'm not sure how I'll cope with only a toddler for company? Edie doesn't really talk that much yet, and I'm worried I might go a but nuts being at home without much conversation all day!

I think a lot of it has to do with my personal life. Anya has made some lovely friends at playschool, and because of that I have just started to form some good friendships of my own. I feel like I am having the potential for those friendships to develop and become stronger, taken away from me because all of them are going to different schools and keeping in touch is hard. I also want Anya to keep her friendships with these children, because they are so important to her at the moment, but I have also enjoyed making friends off my own back. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing, long-standing, friends who my world would simply collapse without, but making new friends (without my sister or my existing friends introducing me to people) has never been my strong suit - I have a tendency to rub people up the wrong way with my 'speak first, think later' approach! So now that I have made friends, I want to keep them.

I think it also has much to do with my underlying fear of change. I've never been good with change, and this feels like a major one; it's a change in my every day, a change in the dynamic of our family life, a change that means my middle one is growing up. Of course, it is inevitable, and I understand that I cannot stop it. I could delay her start, as she isn't 5 until next year, but what would be the point? I would feel like I was holding her back because of my own feelings, and that wouldn't be fair.

Mostly though, I feel sad and weepy because I will miss her. She is my little friend, my baking buddy, the source of much of my laughter and I will miss her being here. I know I will get used to it, but right now it makes me sad to think about it.

So, parents that cry in the playground and cover Facebook in status' about how upset you are - I get it. And although you won't see me crying or harping on about it, I'm there. I'm with you, I'm looking at the teacher and wondering if she will notice my child, if she will care for her enough, if she will understand her sense of humour, if she will encourage her when she's unsure. And I'm looking at my little one and wanting to just hold her tight and not let her go. I want to freeze time and keep her with me, just as she is, forever.

Stay strong parents, by Christmas you'll be longing for the holidays to be over so you can send them back :-)

The unobtainable ideal of parenting (according to Cbeebies)

Hands up everyone who's kids watch far too much TV?! I mean, to be fair, that's too much TV according to people who probably don't have kids, or have far more patience than me or something. Anyway, my kids watch a fair amount of Cbeebies (and also Milkshake on Channel 5 before school), I love that my 18 month old will now happily sit in front of an episode or 2 (or 6) of Twirlywoos, while I make dinner or type something up for playschool or some such. But, apart from the usual parent complaints of many of the shows being utter dross (what the actual f*ck is Teacup Travels and why am I forced to have it on my TV?!), I have also noticed that many of them share something that could (if I let it) reinforce any negative thoughts I have about my parenting ability, and it's this: they all have parents that are always calm, understanding, forgiving and unquestionably wonderful.

Topsy and Tim? Well, their parents are well spoken, never yell, explain everything sensibly and always have time for colouring in their own wrapping paper, or making a costume for a party or something.
Peter Rabbit? Now, his mum is a funny one; she regularly tells him not to do something, that he then does, and she says 'thank you for getting the radishes' and says he's so like his father. Am I mistaken, or wasn't his father turned into a pie by Mr McGregor? Why in the hell would she want him to be like that? I'd have grounded that stupid, disobedient little git years ago.

And don't get me started on how Flop never calls Bing an idiot or says 'I bloody well told you so', when Bing pops his balloon or breaks his 'eggy head'. And that time Bing broke Flops mobile phone? What parent alive wouldn't have raised their voice, even if it was an honest accident? Not Flop though, he just sits there and says 'oh dear'. You know what? It IS a big thing Bing. It chuffing well is. (As an aside, I'm not entirely sure what the relationship is between Bing and Flop. Is he like, his carer? Is Bing some sort of foster child? Why are all the children being raised by small knitted characters anyway? Is this some sort of world where people get smaller as they get older, or have the small characters somehow stolen the children in order to raise them into their cult or something? It's very morally ambiguous, if yo
u ask me). I guess at least Bing behaves like a fairly normal child, peeing himself and arguing with his friends and stuff, not like the aforementioned Topsy and Tim, who seem to be unrealistically well behaved, maybe that's why their parents never have to yell? Who knows.

What's really tragic is that I increasingly find myself saying 'be more like Flop, stay calm' - I'm thinking about actually getting a 'What Would Flop Do' bracelet made to help me to stay calm and reasonable in my every day life. Because, if we're honest, we all shout sometimes. We all lose our temper, sometimes without much justification, because we are all human. No matter how much you love your children, or how much you are certain they are the centre of your world, sometimes, they're just little gits. They get on your nerves, they push you to your limit and you snap sometimes. And that's OK. I mean, if you do nothing BUT yell, then you might need some anger management or something, but generally speaking yelling is perfectly normal, trust me.  I bet when the camera's aren't rolling on the set of Peppa Pig*, Mummy and Daddy Pig are having a conversation about how much of a bratty cow-bag Peppa has been today, and asking why George is being such a whingey scrote. I like to think that Mummy Pig is looking forward to a night out with Miss Rabbit and Mummy Sheep, where they'll drink wine and complain about their partners and kids and ask advice on how to make their children less douchey.

The important thing to remember is, no matter if they're sometimes the only adult interaction you get in a day or a week, Cbeebies parents aren't real. If they were, they'd probably be a lot more yelly and sweary, and I'd probably like them a whole lot more!


*I am aware that Peppa Pig is not on Cbeebies, but that show has a lot to answer for too, how no one has ever called Peppa out on being the biggest know-it-all around, or told her to stop being an insufferably spoilt little shit, is beyond me.