It's that time of year when many parents are getting all emotional and blathering on about how precious their little babies are and the fact that they 'don't know where the time has gone' and 'can't believe little Jimmy is starting school already'. I have always been rather scathing about the whole Facebook outpouring; I mean, it's not like they are the first person ever to send their kid off into the big wide world of primary school, is it? It's not as if their 4 year old is going off to war or down the mines or anything, they're just taking the next step in life, and it's all for the good because they're going to learn and make friends and have fun (we hope).
Funnily enough, my opinion of it all didn't really change when my eldest went to school. By the time she started (at only just 4 years old), I had a 2 year old and another baby on the way. I was juggling work and household tasks and looking forward to a new baby, and I was more than ready for her to go to school. So my disdain for the parents publicly crying at those first school drop-offs, or at the last day of playschool, was not quelled much by the fact that I was also going through it. (Note to parents, it's OK if your heart doesn't break when your little one goes off to school, there's nothing wrong with you!). To be perfectly honest, I'm not a crier. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally cry, but usually it's at home, alone, where no one can see me. If anyone is present it's usual the hubby, and it's usually because I'm trying to emotionally blackmail him or something! So it's not surprising that I wasn't an emotional wreck when the big one went to school.
HOWEVER my middle one is starting school in September. She's just turned 4 in the last couple of weeks, she had her inductions at her school this week, it's her last day at play school tomorrow, and I'm an emotional wreck. I'm still not publicly crying or anything, it's not that bad, but I feel all wobbly on the inside and I'm so not ready for her to go to school. Her? Oh, she's fine. She has LOVED her inductions and has been all excitement and smiles. She evens tells me that she'll still see her playschool teachers when she goes back to pick Edie up and things like that. And she's is SO ready for school. She's young, yes, but (if possible for a 4 year old that says 'willies' all the time) she is mature for her age. She is so desperate to learn, and with 2 other children, I don't have much time to teach her. She will thrive, I am sure, and she has already got some friends. So it's not her that's the issue, it's me.
But why? I've been here before, I still have a younger child at home, so why am I so desperate to cuddle her close to me and say 'sorry education system, you're not having this one yet'? Maybe it's because I'm worried she's going to turn into a child like her big sister? I don't mean to speak badly of my eldest, but I know that school tires her out and uses all of her 'good behaviour' for the day, so when she gets home from school she is tired and shouty and grumpy. I'm not sure I'm ready for another child like that in the afternoons. Maybe it's because I'm not sure how I'll cope with only a toddler for company? Edie doesn't really talk that much yet, and I'm worried I might go a but nuts being at home without much conversation all day!
I think a lot of it has to do with my personal life. Anya has made some lovely friends at playschool, and because of that I have just started to form some good friendships of my own. I feel like I am having the potential for those friendships to develop and become stronger, taken away from me because all of them are going to different schools and keeping in touch is hard. I also want Anya to keep her friendships with these children, because they are so important to her at the moment, but I have also enjoyed making friends off my own back. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing, long-standing, friends who my world would simply collapse without, but making new friends (without my sister or my existing friends introducing me to people) has never been my strong suit - I have a tendency to rub people up the wrong way with my 'speak first, think later' approach! So now that I have made friends, I want to keep them.
I think it also has much to do with my underlying fear of change. I've never been good with change, and this feels like a major one; it's a change in my every day, a change in the dynamic of our family life, a change that means my middle one is growing up. Of course, it is inevitable, and I understand that I cannot stop it. I could delay her start, as she isn't 5 until next year, but what would be the point? I would feel like I was holding her back because of my own feelings, and that wouldn't be fair.
Mostly though, I feel sad and weepy because I will miss her. She is my little friend, my baking buddy, the source of much of my laughter and I will miss her being here. I know I will get used to it, but right now it makes me sad to think about it.
So, parents that cry in the playground and cover Facebook in status' about how upset you are - I get it. And although you won't see me crying or harping on about it, I'm there. I'm with you, I'm looking at the teacher and wondering if she will notice my child, if she will care for her enough, if she will understand her sense of humour, if she will encourage her when she's unsure. And I'm looking at my little one and wanting to just hold her tight and not let her go. I want to freeze time and keep her with me, just as she is, forever.
Stay strong parents, by Christmas you'll be longing for the holidays to be over so you can send them back :-)
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