I'm pretty sure no parent likes to be accidentally kicked in their special place, but for me I feel it's something a bit more than that. I guess I've always had a bit of a 'thing' about physical contact. Don't take that the wrong way, I have 3 children, so I obviously don't hate it that much, but I like it to be on my own terms. I've been trying to find a way to write this without sounding weird or prudish, and I think all I can say is that, on a good day, I'm fine and 'normal', but on a stressful or difficult day, the last thing I want is to have my personal space invaded. I find physical contact to be a bit awkward, unless it's with someone I know extremely well, and I find people touching me to be very affronting. On days where I have felt harassed or overwhelmed, I don't want to have physical contact with anyone. If I'm stressed, I like to be left alone. If I'm sad, I like a hug and then to be left alone. I would imagine that I'm not alone in this way of feeling. Most people like their personal space, especially when stressed, and everyone has different levels of what feels like an invasion of their space. My threshold for personal space invasion just happens to be rather low.
So, what happens when someone like me, someone who likes my personal space to be very much my own, has a child or 3? Well, as babies they're OK, they cuddle and lay still and just squirm a little bit, but not too much. And when they're on you it's because you picked them up and put them there. But I tell you, most days, the thought of 'wearing' my baby makes me shudder, and I have always been more of a 'let them have their own space' kind of parent. Maybe that's why me and breastfeeding didn't get along, because the idea of having something permanently attached to me makes my skin crawl.
And then they get older, and you quickly learn that kids don't understand personal space. They get right into yours and hang around like they own the place. They're all in your face, touching your body and wiggling about on you and stuff, like they have a right to touch you wherever and whenever they want to. And I hate it. I love to cuddle them, as long as they stay still. I will comfort them when they are hurt or upset, I will carry them when they need it and I will tickle them and give them kisses and cuddles, but if they try and climb up my arse while I'm doing the dishes, I will get them to stop it as soon as I can. If they're sitting on me and writhing about and sticking their pointy bits into my tummy or whatever, I usually have to get up and do something, just to get them to stop.
I struggled with this for a long time. I wondered if not wanting to physically be in contact with my children 100% of the time made me a bad parent, or somehow neglectful. I berated myself for not really wanting to breastfeed, even though everyone told me it was what was best for my babies. I thought I should revel in wearing a sling and carrying my baby everywhere, but I couldn't do it. I thought maybe I would be seen as cold or uncaring, if I asked my children to 'get off me', and that I should be able to accept them climbing on me every single time I sit down for 30 seconds. That somehow I should relish it, like I am meant to relish every other fucking moment of parenthood. But I couldn't, because that's not me. I feel claustrophobic around too many people and too much noise, and having a pile of kids on top of me makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like I have to get out of that situation, and it causes me physical stress. I can't ever see how having a stressed parent is good for a child.
Now the good news, for anyone like me! 6 years into parenthood and my kids seem fine. They are not displaying any signs of being neglected, so I guess I can't be that bad! Our family life is far from perfect, but there is laughter and silliness amongst the chaos, and I do not doubt that my children feel loved. I suppose what I have come to realise is that not all emotional warmth is physical; not all love is displayed through touch (although some people are more tactile than others). I've always found nice words and someone that listens to me far more agreeable than someone giving me a hug (for example). My children need hugs, they need physical contact to help reassure them and they need to occasionally be allowed to climb on me, for whatever reason. But they also need to learn to respect other people's personal space and to understand that sometimes, people just need to be left alone. I'm fairly sure that they don't listen when I ask them to get off me most of the time anyway, so they probably don't even realise that I don't enjoy it. As they get older they'll want to have physical contact with me less and less. I will miss cuddles, but I will not miss being their climbing frame or wrestling mat. I hope as they grow they will know that although I am always here with a hug when they need it, my love for them is expressed through the actions and decisions I take every single day.
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