My husband and I have what I would call a very '1950's' style relationship, we're married, he works and I stay at home with the kids. Some would call it traditional, some old fashioned, maybe even patriarchal. However you view it, it is what it is and it works for us. When I first fell pregnant, my husband was earning significantly more money than me, so it made sense for me to go part-time. By continuing to work, he was able to progress slightly and gradually start earning a bit more, meaning that after our third child was born, I was able to make the decision not to return to work. Money is tight, but it's how we both wanted to do things, at least until all 3 children are at school.
Whether you and your partner have a relationship like ours, or you both work full time, or anywhere in between, if you are in a relationship, the tension that can sometimes occur regarding the division of labour around the home is not unique to us. I want to tell you how it works in our house, and even if your family set-up is not quite the same as mine, I think there will be parts of it that ring true.
So, as a stay-at-home mother, my 'job' is basically that of logistics. I am responsible for maintaining a home, getting the kids washed, dressed and fed (why do they need THREE meals a day?!). I have to run them to school play-school, clubs, doctors appointments and parties etc. I attend school assemblies, play school 'stay and play' sessions and toddler groups. I have to take the cats to the vet, liaise with the letting agent when things need doing around the house, do the weekly (and top-up) shops, buy birthday presents and so on (the list is basically endless). I do all of this, and I volunteer as a Committee Chairperson for my daughter's Pre-School, which involves the odd meeting, typing, mediation, that sort of thing. Needless to say, my job is not 9-5, it's pretty much 24/7. And it's usually done on about 5 or 6 hours sleep. Motherhood is definitely the hardest job I've ever had, and, of course, it's not just motherhood. Since not working, my role as 'wife' has taken on more elements, such as being solely responsible for washing his clothes, and picking up his prescriptions or family's birthday cards and gifts, for example.
Some days I feel like I don't stop from the minute I am rudely awoken by the children, to the minute I go to bed. And when my husband comes home from work, eats his lovingly prepared dinner and then sits on his arse and plays on his phone, I could scream at him. Can he not hear the children fighting and screaming? Can he not see the washing-up that needs doing, can he not put his own chuffing plate in the kitchen? Why can't he see how stressed I am and help me a bit, doesn't he care?! (I should point out that he doesn't actually do nothing, it just that whatever he does isn't enough!) I have tried to explain it by looking at it a different way:
Imagine you're at work in an office. You've been working since 8am to meet a deadline by 5pm, things keep going wrong, the phone keeps ringing, people keep giving you other stuff to do and you're behind. On top of all that, at 4.30pm, your computer crashes. Now imagine that at 4.45pm, your colleague wanders in eating a taco, sits down at his desk next to you and starts looking at Facebook. How would you feel? Would you look at your colleague and imagine smashing his little face against his computer keyboard because he's failing to help you? Would you feel like he obviously doesn't care about you? Never mind what kind of day he's had up until that point, you can only see your stress, your struggle and your worries. Take that feeling, and transfer it to a stay-at-home parent at the end of his or her tether, when the working parent gets home from work.
When my husband gets home from work, I feel that he should almost relieve me of my work as main parent. That he should come in as a calming influence in my chaotic day and say 'let me do that dear' and other such things. I feel like I want my working day to stop, so I can sit down and look at my phone in peace, or just catch-up on the news or something.
And yet, isn't that entirely unfair?! I remember what it was like to work full-time, although it has been 6 years since I last did that. I know how it feels to work, to go through a stressful day at the office and to want to just sit, process the day and chill the hell out when you get home. When I worked part-time, my husband would have every-other Thursday off work and would look after the kids. I remember being annoyed if they weren't fed when I got in, I remember hating it if I came home to anything other than calm, and being irritated when he seemed to expect me to take over as soon as I got in. Parenting is hard, but working a full-time job is no walk in the park either. It's tiring, and although I may be physically and emotionally tired by the end of the day, my husband is more than likely mentally tired too. Also, I am incredibly appreciative of the fact that my husband has NEVER asked me what I've done all day, or implied in any way that the state of the house isn't good enough. He tells me regularly that I have the harder job out of the two of us, and admits he would struggle to do it (although I'm sure he'd be fine, once he got used to it).
And what about weekends? I think this is the place where a lot of couples can struggle most. I mean, I want a day off. I work my arse off all week getting everyone where they need to be, and keeping the house presentable etc, and when it gets to the weekend, I'd like to not have to do that. In the same way, my husband has been at work all week and wants a day to relax and unwind. While it can often seem that he should be relishing getting to spend some precious time with his kids, I have to try and appreciate that 'relaxing and unwinding' is not something that is easily achieved with kids about! I should know, they stress me out no end!
I guess in an ideal world, weekends would be shared parenting days. I would like it to be that way, anyway. Where chores and childcare are split 50/50. But in reality, despite best efforts, that rarely happens. The thing is, if I ask him to do something, he will do it (eventually!), but most of the time it's just quicker and easier to do it myself. I have a system and a routine that works for me and the kids, and if he 'helps' it usually just throws everything off balance... I'm honestly not trying to complain, just saying it how I feel it is.
So what do we do? Well, we try and remember to appreciate each other's contribution to the family. The effort it takes to raise children and look after a home, as well as how much of a ball ache it is to go to work. We try and express our appreciation and we try and talk through our frustrations. It doesn't always work, we still get moody with each other, he thinks I'm a nag and I still think he's a lazy arse sometimes, but we try. We also take it in turns to 'lay in' past 7am at the weekends and in putting the kids to bed. We also sometimes take the kids to our respective parents' houses, to allow the other a break.
I also plan the occasional day out with friends, leaving him with the kids for 10 hours or so by himself. I find it helps me to unwind and get a break, and reminds him how hard my job is ;-)
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