The smartphone misconception

There has been a lot of vitriol recently directed at the mother (specifically) of a four year old child who fell into a gorilla enclosure at Cincinnati Zoo, resulting in the gorilla being shot dead. I don't want to wade in on that particular online furore, but what I have noticed amongst the bile and outrage is the number of people commenting that the mother was 'probably too busy looking at her phone' (or words to that affect). This is nothing new, I suppose. Many of us will be aware of the open letter written to the mother at the park on her iphone, and the response some lovely person also published, but recent events and the recurrence of these types of comments have got me thinking, about my own and public perceptions of parents on their phones.

Let me state, for the record, that I have a lovely little smartphone, and spend far more time with it in my hand than I should. I check Facebook several times a day, use it for emails and shopping, I play Candy Crush, send messages, take photographs, I basically live life from my phone (although actual blogging is done from my laptop). I am aware that I am very dependent on it, and that I do not try hard enough to keep my face out of my phone screen. I also admit to seeing other parents with their phone glued 2 inches from their eyes, and being inwardly judgemental. However, whilst living life without ever looking up from that screen is definitely a bad thing, the constant perception that if you even glance at your phone when with your children then you are somehow neglecting them, needs to stop.

Let's take the park scenario. Say you have 3 children who are all old enough to use the play equipment pretty much unaided (I'm not there yet, my trips to the play park are still very much an exercise in upper body strength), and you sit down on the bench whilst they burn off a whole lot of energy (you hope!) and learn about independent play, and interacting with other children by themselves; are you obligated to sit and stare lovingly at their every move? Do you need to make sure you spend an equal amount of time watching each child? Or would it be OK, do you think, to take a moment whilst they are all happily occupied to check your messages, do your grocery shopping, or just zone out for a bit with a game of something not-too-taxing? Kids are hard work, so while they are happy, why can't parents do something to make themselves happy too? An outside observer might think that the parent is not appreciating the joy of having children, but let's be honest, if you're at the park it's probably because the kids were acting liked caged animals at home and you needed to get them out to give yourself a break from all the bickering, as well as encouraging them to have fresh air and exercise (or whatever!).

Perhaps it is a generational thing, maybe a lack of understanding? Please don't take me for ageist - I know there are many older people who use technology much more capably that I do, and who utilise it in their every day lives, but it must be strange to those who were parents before the smartphone age, to see kids on phones or tablets, parents texting or messaging, or asking Google all kinds of things! Perhaps they don't realise that although phones are for games and social lives, they are also useful tools. I can sit at the park and order the kids birthday presents, or pay their school trip money. I can do my weekly shop and plan our next family holiday. It would be easy to perceive a parent glued to their phone as them being wrapped up in themselves  and their own lives, and not paying enough attention to their child/ren. And perhaps some people believe that before mobile phones were there causing a distraction, parents gave their children more attention, more love and more of themselves?

So, to people who are judgemental of parents with phones, look at it this way. That mother sitting on that bench in that play park? Visualise her holding a book instead of a phone and then see how you feel about her. Visualise her with a sketchbook or notepad, a newspaper or puzzle book, writing a shopping list or knitting a scarf. Now is she neglecting her children? Or is she just enjoying a much-needed break from the strains of parenting? Or maybe even doing something for her family whilst her children play? When her children are calling her, does she (at least occasionally!) look up and wave, smile or engage with them in some way? If she does, then there's really not a problem.

I'm not denying that some parents spend too much time on their phones, but there have always been parents who do not pay enough attention to their kids, with or without a smartphone. All I'm saying is that I wish people wouldn't judge what they don't understand and paint every parent with a smartphone as irresponsible. They don't know everyone's story, or what kind of day/week they're having - that text message exchange could be much needed support for a struggling parent, or them helping out a friend. That could be the first 5 minutes they have had all day without a child clinging to them, and they're trying to sort out the bills. And it might also just be that the kids are happy and play parks are duller than shit if you're a grown-up - how many times do you have to delight in your kid going down a slide or doing the monkey bars, before you're allowed to find it boring? How many times can you sincerely say 'yes sweetie, that's great, well done' before you start sounding sarcastic and longing for a grown-up to chat to? Maybe the kids need a lesson about the lack of constant validation in life - who am I to say? People just need to try a bit harder to build each other up rather than tearing each other down - life as a parent is hard enough without all the external judgements.