The Home

Edie's favourite game is emptying
the toy box

'Having kids is like continuously tidying up after a party you weren't invited to'

Imagine you've been away for a weekend and you arrive home to find that your best mates have decided to have a party in your house without telling you. Picture the scene as you walk in and there's mess everywhere, nothing is where it is meant to be, there's a stack of glasses and plates in the sink, someone has opened cupboards and emptied some of the contents out (and left the door of the cupboards open), there's bits of food all over the place and generally just stuff everywhere. Now imagine a couple of your mates are still there, either randomly and drunkenly stumbling about eating crisps and discarding the packaging on the floor, or lounging on the sofa with a mammoth hangover. That's kind of what it's like having kids. Small drunkards who make mess with no regard for the person responsible for tidying up after them. 
Now, your initial response to your mates would be 'what the fuck have you guys been doing?' Or maybe 'who's idea was this?' or possibly 'get the hell out of my house', but if they're really close friends, who had maybe originally planned a welcome home party for you, but had somehow just managed to get totally wankered before you arrived, you probably wouldn't stay mad for too long. And maybe down the road you'd even laugh about it together. After all, mess can be tidied, dishes washed and put away and cupboards closed. If one or two of your mates are totally out of it, you might well just decide to tidy yourself, rather than asking them to help (which, let's face it, wouldn't probably take way longer than necessary and might even just end in more mess). I think children become more sober as they get older. So, a baby is the passed out on the floor, laying in their own piss and sick, drunk, a raging toddler is like the larey, falling over, yet overconfident drunk, whilst the 6 year old is like the just past tipsy drunk; still occasionally trips over and finds the word 'willy' hilarious, but can be trusted with simple tasks. (This changes when they reach somewhere near the teen mark, when they all turn into the 'hobo' drunk.. randomly shouting and otherwise incomprehensible). Anyway, however you think of kids and mess, the fact is that they make a lot of it, and tidy up very little of it.

I don't even know when they got the bricks out.

How much effort is it worth making?

The thing is, as a parent, you sort of have to let go of your previous standard of housekeeping. And that original standard will be different for each person. I was never the tidiest, but I liked things clean and I liked things to be out away (even if the cupboards where complete chaos on the inside!). But when you're looking after a child or children all day, it's hard to find the time to keep on top of basic chores, let alone continuously tidying up their stuff. It's hard to explain, because to an outside observer, I spend all my time at home, so why can't I spend the day pottering around and keeping the place clean? Well, kids need attention, and they need interaction, and they need their nappies changing, or their lunch making, dinner's preparing etc. There's shopping to do, errands to run and so on. Have you ever tried to do chores with a child / tiny drunk 'helping' you? Everything takes two or three times as long, and that's if you manage to even start a job in the first place, with them making demands on your time. It is possible to spend a whole day cleaning, sure, but the chances are that your children would be grumpy and bored by the end of it, and that you would be knackered and stressed. Sometimes, after a bad night with the kids, I barely have the energy to do the school run, let alone clean the kitchen.

Gradually, as I have had more children, I have realised that my minimum standard of household cleanliness has slipped rather significantly. I live in hope that it might get better as they get older, as the toys are discarded in favour of tidier(?!) pursuits. In the meantime I have to ask myself how much I really care. Do I care that the dishes from last night are still in the sink? Yes. Do I care enough to do anything about it? Not right now. Right now I have a toddler that's nagging me to play with her, and I should really be engaging with her while the older one is at school. 

However, I absolutely cannot put up with the state of the floor, and will definitely be vacuuming before the end of the day. I guess that's the difference between me and someone else, my minimum standards are lower than they used to be, but they are still there. For example, I don't iron clothes unless I really have to, but I can't sit down in the evening until the toys are at least thrown into the toy box (or often, neatly placed on top of it because it's so full of crap I can't cram anything else in there).

Who's judgement do we fear?

And then there was glitter...

I guess the main question is who really cares what state your house is in? I mean, as long as it's not a health hazard, what's the problem? As human beings one of the main things we fear is judgement from others. I hate inviting people to my house because I don't want others to see the state I allow my family to live in. If I know I have guests coming, I spend the day or hours before stressing and tidying and cleaning the toilet etc, just so they won't think I'm some kind of animal. I loathe having people to my house until I have been to theirs to see if they're 'normal' and I especially stress when my husbands family are coming round. BUT, no one has ever, to my knowledge, been completely disgusted by my home. No one refuses to sit on the furniture or drink from the cups, no one seems to look twice at the toys and, even when popping in unannounced (the least British thing in the world!!), no one seems to care. In fact, a lot of my friends that have children seem positively relieved and more relaxed when they see that I let the kids eat lunch on the sofa and get crumbs everywhere. 
Does your other half care? Mine doesn't. He has even lower minimum standards than me. That's not a criticism either, because it means he honestly doesn't mind if I don't do the housework. I suppose if I did NOTHING he might notice, but probably only if he ran out of clean pants or something. If your other half does care, and they make snide remarks or comments, tell them they can do it themselves if they're that bothered and that you are doing your best. If that's not good enough for them then tell them wear to shove it and find yourself someone better.
What I'm trying to say is that the only person who really cares is you. So do enough to keep yourself satisfied and let that be enough. If it makes you feel better to tidy before people come over, then do (I use it as a good motivator to do things I've been meaning to for weeks!), but don't feel pressure to, 'those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter', after all.

Don't feel bad if you are managing

We've all seen the kind of 'affirming' posts, haven't we? Like the one pictured that says how shit life will be once the kids are grown and gone (heaven forbid we should have some sort of life after they're grown!) I hate this kind of shit. It makes out we should be happy living in a sty, because if we're not then we're somehow being awful parents.

And so I want to take an opportunity to give a shout out to those amazing few people (if you really do exist) that actually manage to have a busy family life, and maybe even a job, and still manage to keep their houses ship-shape. Don't you let anybody shame you. Don't let anyone tell you that you must be neglecting your kids or something. If you have the energy to raise children, do a job AND keep your home neat and ordered then good for you. Most of my lack of tidiness is due to apathy and lack of energy; I don't care enough or have energy enough to do it. But if you need order to keep you happy then go for it, and well done. There can sometimes feel like there's pressure to keep a home clean, but I'm sure there must be pressure to have a 'messy home and happy children' too. Parents from both camps can probably be fairly judge-y, and I'm trying not to be. I will, however, secretly hope that you have a 'Monica' closet somewhere in your house (I'm just jealous).