Let's start by clarifying one small point, if you believe that all human beings, male and female, were created equal, and should have the same rights and opportunities in life, then you ARE a feminist. 'Feminism' has long had a somewhat negative connotation with man-hating, bra-burning, ball-busting women. The dictionary definition of feminism is 'the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes' (OED Online), but today I feel that feminism also encompasses the rights of men and boys, and their right to be able to do anything that women are able to. So, do you consider yourself a feminist? Because I certainly do, and I think more people need to admit that to themselves and to others.
Maybe I am attuned to the feminist issue because I have 3 daughters, and I want a world full of opportunities to present itself to them, for them to know with absolute certainty that they can do whatever they hell they want to, if they work hard enough for it. I don't want them to have to worker harder than their male counterparts to make it in certain professions, or to feel that there are pastimes or sports that they are excluded from, for example. But then I think about the parents of boys and I think that maybe it's actually harder for them. Feminism means equality, that means that boys should be able to do all of the things that girls can, as well as vice versa. How many parents do you know that will happily allow their daughters to wear a football shirt or dress as a superhero, but who would refuse point-blank to put their son in a dress? I knew a father once who refused to allow his son to wear tights (which were specifically designed 'for boys') underneath his trousers, even in cold weather, because 'tights are for girls'. I am willing to bet that he is not alone in that opinion, that many parents would recoil from the thought of allowing their sons to dress-up as princesses or play with dolls. Who would let their daughters do karate or football, but would refuse for their sons to take up ballet or sewing. Even with all the great strides that have been made in modern society towards equality, it still isn't there. And I don't believe that much of it is conscious either, most people just assume 'well he's a boy, so we'll buy him cars and trains and paint his nursery blue and dress him in a little shirt and tie' etc. That's not a parent being anti-feminist, that's just a parent conforming to what is expected of them. If I found out a friend of mine was expecting a baby boy but had bought nothing but pink clothes, I'd think that was weird - I know that I shouldn't think that, but I would, it's just the way we're programmed by wider society.
So back to raising my children as feminists, all I can say is that I'm trying. What can you do when your 5 year old tells you that she can't play football because it's 'for boys'? Or that she doesn't like blue for the same reason? When she assumes that men go to work and women stay at home? That you have to be a girl to raise children, or that she won't be able to be a soldier, if she wants to be (which selfishly, I really hope she won't - serving your country is a wonderful thing, but I don't think I could cope with the worry!). She finds it funny that there's a boy in her class who wears 'lipstick' (it's chapstick) and absolutely hilarious to think of boys playing with dolls. I try and lead by example, I always correct her, I tell her she can be anything she wants to be, and that boys can wear pink and do whatever they want too, but there's so much outside influence, and I'm not even sure where a lot of it comes from. I could point to media, but with young children I'm not sure that's it. Cbeebies is so P.C. it'a almost cringe-worthy, and although Disney has traditionally been kind of anti-feminist, they are getting better (I'm a big fan of Brave and even Frozen is alright at promoting that you don't need a man to save the day). Admittedly there is so much that comes under the umbrella of 'media' that it must have an influence, (my mother-in-law has a book called 'fairytales for girls' and her grandson won't read it). Then there's the Kinder Eggs that are wrapped in pink because they are 'for girls', the section in catalogues for 'girls toys', the toys that come in different colours, primary colours for boys and some hideous combination of lilac and pink for girls (OK so maybe media is a major influence!).
But for me I think that the main problem is the other people that they come into contact with. I once had someone say that they had to buy their son a new SPARE duvet cover, because the hand-me-down one from their sister had princesses on it (I mean, it's the spare FFS, even if he really loves Power Rangers, he can have Frozen if he's pissed or puked in his bed, right?!). I have only bought my daughters one doll in my entire life, and never a single 'Barbie' style doll, but they have hundreds. I dislike pink (I know lots of girls genuinely like it and that's fine, but I tend to avoid buying my girls pink clothing) but yet my kids are surrounded by it. Adults seem to think nothing of saying that something is 'too girly' for boys or telling my daughters that they should play with the dollies, not the trucks. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind my daughters playing with dolls, but they should be able to choose what they play with and know that they can absolutely pick anything they want to, without judgement. If I had a son and he wanted to take his doll on the bus with him, say, I would let him, but I would worry that someone would make comment. From what I hear from those that have experienced it, those comments would generally be directed at me, the mother, for making my son 'too soft' or wanting him to be gay. I saw a great quote once that said 'You don't want your son to play with dolls, what are you worried he'll become? A father?!' Honestly wider society, join the 21st century already!
I am not denying that there is something in children's nature that predisposes them to play with children of the same sex as them, and I question if 'gender' is an entirely social construct (as some believe). Even in a house surrounded by a mixture of toys, a lot of girls will instinctively play with the dolls, whilst boys play with the cars. However, if children want to play with others of the same sex, then those other children will influence what that child likes. Girls therefore continue to conform to what is deemed 'normal' girl behaviour, simply because their friends do. So whilst trying to raise independent, strong, feminist children, I have to accept that they will love Disney princesses, pretty dresses and those God-awful bracelet making kits. What I have to try and do is let them know that it's OK if they don't like the same things as their friends.
As much as I personally hate all things 'girly', I have to admit to conforming to one major stereotype myself. My mother-in-law tells a wonderful story of arguing with her young son about tidying up. His response was 'why should I, that's your job!'. She retorted by asking him what he would do when he was a grown-up, and he replied that he 'would have a wife to do that sort of thing'.Thankfully, that boy grew into a well adjusted, feminist man, and feels quiet embarrassed now at having made that statement as a child, but he was only basing his prediction for the future on his only family set-up at the time. And, annoyingly, in a way he was right! As a stay-at-home parent I am mostly responsible for the housework, and my children see my 'job' as looking after them and doing the chores, whilst daddy goes out to work. It's a very 'traditional' family set-up, and no matter how much I tell them that Mummies work too, and that some families have Daddies that stay at home etc, they only really know what they see. So instead I tell them that that was my choice. I tell them that Mummy could go to work, but has chosen not to for the time being. I tell them that mummy and daddy made that decision together and that each persons role within our family is just as important. I tell them that they might want to stay at home and raise children one day, but they might not. They might not even want children when they're older, and that's OK, they can do whatever they like.
I'm not perfect, and neither is my husband. We have our own hang-ups about things being for a particular sex, but we both try very hard not to pass those on to our children, because we want them to progress this new feminist movement that is occurring in our society. My daughters will come across misogyny, sexism and inequality. They will come across men who think that women are objects and men that still believe women to be inferior. And they will encounter many women who believe that their place is in the home, or who also believe that men are somehow better. Those that believe the sole purpose of female existence is to find the right man. They will be influenced by a media that shows them how to attract a mate, or what to do to make your man happy. They will learn that sex is power and that femininity can be used to get your own way. And all I can do is try to raise them so that they know this bollocks when they see it and how to deal with it. Raise them so that they know to question the media, that society isn't always right and that they, as people, are worth just as much as any other person.
No comments:
Post a Comment